Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Wedding traditions in Iraq

I was invited to what we call SAB’A and it means (seven) and I thought to write something about our wedding traditions.
The sab’a as we call it comes after the marriage in seven days (now some of them makes it after ten or 14 days according to their honey moon but it is supposed to be made in the seventh day after marriage). In Mosul they make the party in the fourth day after marriage. This is usually held in the groom parent's house and the guest are from women only; the invited women should bring gifts for the new couple. Only the bride attend this party while her husband usually awaits in another room of his family house waiting for everyone to leave the house. The bride usually wears a party dress and some time more than one, or she may enter the room with her white dress and then change it after a while. The guests starts to dance and celebrate the new marriage.

Most of our marriages are arranged in the traditional way (i.e., not after a love story). When a man sees a woman and he likes her form the first sight he tells his mother about her and his family starts to ask about her family and start to work like a detective and if they match with the groom family socially and economically and in other things they agree about her. His mother goes to the bride house and asks for her hand on his behalf from her mother and gives her all the information about her son and the family, so the bride family will start to do the same thing that the groom's has done but this time, in opposite direction. And if they agree they call the groom's house and ask the groom to come with his mother. Some families let the bride sit with the future groom alone and let them get introduced to each other and talk alone about themselves, if they both agree about each other they will go to the next step and if one of them did not like the other very much they will separate. Also many still prefer the marriage between relatives, like cousins especially in small towns and villages.

The traditions I'm talking about are in the cities not villages. The first thing to do after the initial agreement is called ‘Mashaiya’ in which the groom's family bring the older person in their family with a number of relatives and friends all just men and go to the Bride father who also brings all his relatives and friends all men and sit together to get introduced to each other and in this party the older person in the groom's side make a speech asking for the bride’s hand from her father, the father makes another speech saying yes, then juice and deserts are serviced at once and after they finish, everybody leaves home. This party is very short and almost lasts for an hour only.

Then comes the engagement party, in which the bride and the groom exchanged rings, he buys the bride a ring and she buys his ring, the party engagement party is made by the bride’s family, and usually is attended by close relatives only from both sides, some times if the house is too small only women attend the party beside the groom of course.

There is a limit in the relation between the man and woman in their engagement period (I don't want to go so far with thisJ)

So there is another step and this is (tying the nut) this is the exact translation to the Iraqis language where the couple become legally married in court but they still don’t get to live together. In this contract the man usually writes her some kind of money or gold which she will take if he divorce her or he dies. This is usually done in court and some families bring the judge to the house of the bride where more traditional ceremonies can take place. For Sunnis the bride wear a white dress or Jallabyia, a tradition Arabic cloth, and in front of her they put seven cups, containing different kinds of white things like sugar, yoghurt, cream, (I don't remember the others!) and honey. Also they put the holy Quran and a mirror. (Don't ask me why because I don't know) but I think it’s traditions only and the people like to make it. Usually the judge asks the bride personally if she agrees to marry this man by saying a long traditional speech and he repeats it for three times (I don't know why) and then the bride says Yes. And then return to the groom but he asks him only once! When the judge asked me if I agreed to marry my husband no body told me I should wait before answering yes, so after he asked me the first time I said yes, then he started to repeat it again and again after he finished I did not answer him because I thought he will talk again.:)
For shias : those details I'm going to give you is from what I saw when I was invited to some parties: the bride wears a white nightgown and they also put in front of her the seven whites besides a big plate with different kind of spices decorated in a very nice way, and they bring a shia's cleric instead of the judge and while he asks her, two women stand holding a piece of white cloth above her head and a third woman start to sprinkle white sugar above her head to that piece of cloth, her feet are put in water with some dried flowers in it. In the party I attended, the cleric asked the bride 40 times before she said yes, but as they told me some repeated about 15 times.

Then after tying the nut, comes the ‘Nishan’ which is another party held by the bride family either in their house or a hotel if the house is very small. In this party the groom's family gives the bride jewelry from gold or diamond depending on their wealth and the groom starts to put it on her, while every one dance and sing.

Before the wedding day in one night there is also a small party held in the house of the bride and the groom as well separately, he invites his friends (like the bachelor party but with no stripper! Some of the men might bring traditional dancers.) and she invites her friends. After all both parties have ‘Hinna’ to be put on the guests hands.

After that comes the wedding party. Some they don't have a party just Zaffa as we call it, in which the groom's family goes to the bride family bringing with them a music band and start to dance for a bit and then the new couple go to their home or hotel. Some have a big party.
There are many other traditions before the wedding and after it I shall put in other post because this became a very long boring post. Of course these traditions may differ a little bit according to the social and economical levels and according to beliefs as well but this is the basic thing. Some of the families started to shrink those parties into two or three depending on the security and economical conditions as well. wait for my next post.






276 Comments:

Blogger susi from california said...

Thank you Rose for sharing how Iraqis celebrate one of life's joyous occasions. I like all the pre marriage ceremony parties, ceremony parties and post ceremony parties. A "traditional" wedding in the US goes something like this (Disclaimer -we have many folks from different cultures that I don't mean to speak for all of American weddings):

A couple dates for awhile and during the dating period couples find out if they love each other and want to marry each other. If the guy is serious about marrying the girl he will ask the girl's father for her hand in marriage. With the bride's parents blessings the guy then will propose to the girl. The proposal is where the guy gets down on one knee and asks the girl to marry him and presents her with an engagement ring. The engagement ring signifies the pledge to be married.

Before the wedding the groom and bride have their respective parties before the wedding. The bride has a bridal shower party where she invites mostly her lady friends and the friends bring gifts for the bride. The groom will have a bachelor party where he will celebrate with his male friends and yes sometimes it involves strippers :-)

Then there is the wedding day. The bride is dressed in a white wedding dress and the groom is in tuxedo. The wedding is usually held in a church and all the invited guests come to church ceremony. The father of the bride walks her down the church aisle where the groom is waiting for her. The priest is there and ready to administer the marriage vows. During the marriage vows the bride will give the groom a wedding band and the groom will give the bride a wedding band to add to her engagement ring. After the "I dos" have been said the bride & groom kiss.

After the church ceremony there is a reception - usually in a hotel- family and invited guest celebrate the marriage with lots of food and dancing. Family and guests bring gifts to the reception party for the couple. Its easy to figure out the gifts the couple would like because they usually register with a store and they make a wish list. When you buy a gift you can look at the list to see what was already purchased and what is still waiting to be purchased.

After the reception party the couple usually go on a honeymoon together. Some couples like to go to Hawaii and others have gone on nice adventures like to Australia to go scuba diving.

Some of the more fun and interesting weddings have been when couples from different cultures get married because they like to mix the wedding cultures of each of them.

As like everything else in life, things change and some people don't like to follow tradition or tradition might not fit anymore. For example, second marriages, marriages for older first time brides and grooms and even gay marriages. For me, I don't care if a couple follows tradition or not, we should just be happy that 2 people have found love and want to share their lives together. As God has said "Man should not live on bread alone". At least thats what I think it says in the bible which I don't read that much.

12:58 AM  
Blogger neurotic_wife said...

Hiya Rose, whats up with weddings,lol, I have written about it in my blog too...

http://neurotic-iraqi-wife.blogspot.com/2004/09/i-do.html

I think more or less its the same thing, but I never knew that in Sunni weddings the sheikh repeats the question many times, but thanx to you now I know....

Take care

PS: just one small comment, its called tying the knot in english not the nut ;-)

2:09 AM  
Blogger Faisal ... said...

Salaam Rose

I am Sunni too but from Mauritius. It's quite facinating that our traditions are so much alike (except for the Saba). We have a bit of the Shi'ite tradition you mentioned here.

The Nikah (tying the knots) for us, the Imam asks the groom three times in our tradition. I think this is so because the Prophet (saw), peace be upon him, always asked something three times to be certain.

2:42 AM  
Blogger Josie said...

Dear Rose, thank you for the post about weddings, it is very educational! I think the woman is asked so many times because it needs to be made very sure that she wants him... but of course he would want her! LOL.
Most everyone around the world know about American wedding traditions from movies/tv, but of course, they are all different too because we have so many different cultures mixing in together. I will send you later a description of an American Christian wedding, including all the symbolism, etc.

5:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

After being married for a while, "tying the nut" seems like a more appropriate expression.

8:20 AM  
Blogger neurotic_wife said...

Lol anon, I totally agree although I have just been married for 5 months now,I sure do feel that tying the nut will be great revenge,hehe...

8:26 AM  
Blogger johnny said...

Rose

You were on the right track, in England, 'wedding tackle' is 'two nuts and a stick'. ;-)

9:36 AM  
Blogger jeff said...

Well, Rose, the Somalis are Muslim, too, and they also use henna on their hands. I knew one once who used to put henna on the tips of her fingers. I had a Chinese office neighbor and one day he saw her hands.

He said to her, "I see you've been dipping your hands in spaghetti sauce..." :-)

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PS About this saying, "No", over and over when you don't mean it...in America we call this, "Playing hard to get." ;-)

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Blogger inshu no gai said...

"Also many still prefer the marriage between relatives, like cousins especially in small towns and villages."

-The same thing happens in the States.

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Blogger Josie said...

Cousins rarely marry in the States, but it does happen. Some states have laws against it, however.

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Blogger Josie said...

OK, here's the Christian wedding symbols. I know some of these things are done in non-Christian weddings, but this is how the symbols are applied in many Christian weddings.

The body of Christian believers is the "Church." The bride is a symbol of the church, the groom is a symbol of Jesus. Many times in the Scriptures our relationship with God is compared with marriage. So the marriage ceremony is a symbol of God's covenant with us. A marriage is not merely between two people, but three - the bride, groom and God.

The bride's dress is white to symbolize purity. It also symbolizes that the church, saved by Jesus' blood, is cleansed of sin and therefore "white as snow." She wears a veil, representing modesty and respect. It symbolizes the sanctity and exclusiveness of the marriage covenant. She often walks down the aisle on a white runner, symbolizing that she is walking on holy ground.

The wedding rings (unbroken circles) are a symbol of the marriage promise and represent the continuity of undying love.

The groom enters first, and gives his vows first. This symbolizes that he is the initiator of the covenant, just as Jesus Christ is the initiator of the covenant with the Church.

The father walks the bride down the aisle to show he is in favor of the marriage, and symbolizing that he is transferring spiritual responsibility from himself to the husband.

The Unity candle - three candles are in the front of the church. Two are lit at the beginning of the service, then at the end the bride and groom light the center candle. This symbolizes that two have become one.

At the beginning, the pastor says words similar to: Marriage is a holy relationship, created by God. Such a relationship should not be entered into lightly, but reverently, and in the fear of God, after much consideration.

Communion - The whole gathering (or sometimes only the bride and groom) take communion. The wine (or juice) symbolizes the blood of Jesus Christ, poured out for the forgiveness of sins. The bread symbolizes the body of Christ, given for us. Communion at a wedding symbolizes the covenant relationship.

At the end of the service, the pastor says words similar to: "Therefore what God has joined together, let no man put asunder."

The bride and groom feed each other cake, symbolizing the care they will give to each other throughout their lives.

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Blogger Hend said...

hi rose i think that you did a great job of putting this diary in the enternet so that people that are not arab like you can learn more about arab ceromonys and weddings.i also think that people should get interested in things that are not only in there religoin or what they believe in. i thought this was a great idea of yours and should get more people interested in it.or get different interests in the human mind. and i hope you had a joyous celebratoin like the one i had gone to.

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